Sunday, February 12, 2012

Looking Back, Moving Forward

I was fortunate enough to go to college knowing what I wanted to do with my life before I walked on to campus.  I enjoyed my classes and received scholarships and recognition.  I got a masters degree in the field and got a job straight out of college.  It's what I've wanted to do since Career Day in 8th grade.  It's part of how I define myself.  It's a profession I've dreamed about for years.  

Said profession is nothing like I hoped and dreamed it would be.  It is a constant battle with others and no one wins.  I've changed my attitude, approach, physical location, and co-workers.  I'm exhausted.  Drained.  My self respect is a shadow of it's former self.  My emotional well-being was at a breaking point two weeks ago and I took a hiatus from work to pick up my torn, mangled self from the bad, bad place I was headed.  

I didn't use my 11 days as a time to craft, be a lady who lunches, or clean every closet and drawer in the house.  For a few days I simply existed and tried to remember that my life consists of more than how my job makes me feel.  I didn't really "enjoy" my time off the way I would have liked to, but I really needed time and space to reevaluate what I'm doing here on this Earth, in this place.  I mourned the profession I thought I loved.  I vowed to not let it continue to treat me the way it has been.  There are things that are far more important than what I do from 9-5 everyday.

I spent a lot of time with these fuzzy faces whose lives I envy a little.  They love without limits.  They find joy in the littlest things.  They forgive easily and forget quickly.  

When I return to work tomorrow I hope I can remember that my job is not the overflowing bucket of dreams I once thought it was.  It's a job and I can make it until June.  

I'm not sure if my husband told me this, but I think it rings true...

"Your job is not your life.  You have a job so you can make a life."

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