Looking Back, Moving Forward

I was fortunate enough to go to college knowing what I wanted to do with my life before I walked on to campus.  I enjoyed my classes and received scholarships and recognition.  I got a masters degree in the field and got a job straight out of college.  It's what I've wanted to do since Career Day in 8th grade.  It's part of how I define myself.  It's a profession I've dreamed about for years.  

Said profession is nothing like I hoped and dreamed it would be.  It is a constant battle with others and no one wins.  I've changed my attitude, approach, physical location, and co-workers.  I'm exhausted.  Drained.  My self respect is a shadow of it's former self.  My emotional well-being was at a breaking point two weeks ago and I took a hiatus from work to pick up my torn, mangled self from the bad, bad place I was headed.  

I didn't use my 11 days as a time to craft, be a lady who lunches, or clean every closet and drawer in the house.  For a few days I simply existed and tried to remember that my life consists of more than how my job makes me feel.  I didn't really "enjoy" my time off the way I would have liked to, but I really needed time and space to reevaluate what I'm doing here on this Earth, in this place.  I mourned the profession I thought I loved.  I vowed to not let it continue to treat me the way it has been.  There are things that are far more important than what I do from 9-5 everyday.

I spent a lot of time with these fuzzy faces whose lives I envy a little.  They love without limits.  They find joy in the littlest things.  They forgive easily and forget quickly.  

When I return to work tomorrow I hope I can remember that my job is not the overflowing bucket of dreams I once thought it was.  It's a job and I can make it until June.  

I'm not sure if my husband told me this, but I think it rings true...

"Your job is not your life.  You have a job so you can make a life."

A Promise (to myself)

Fall.  My favorite season.  I love the change from sweltering heat to cool, crisp air from the Blue Ridge.  On Saturday I felt inspired...So inspired that I went to my first Bikram Yoga class in over 5 years.  It helped that I had a Groupon that was going to expire, but I'm really trying to dive back into exercise.  Back in college I practiced Bikram during the summers and when I was training for a half marathon.  I loved the routine, 26 poses in the same order each time, and the feeling of total awesomeness when I finished a class successfully.  Yes, the 105+ degree heat can be overwhelming, but when your entire body is covered in sweat and you're able to bend in ways you never thought possible (like me, touching my toes!!), you don't mind as much.

So, my class on Saturday...I thought I was going to die.  I was hot.  Really, really hot.  I was dizzy and exhausted and not hydrated enough to spend 90 minutes doing yoga.  I called Jeff after class and said, "Please remind me that I'm not in my early twenties and I'm not a college athlete anymore."  

Determined to have a better class than Saturday, I went to class on Sunday.  Amazingly enough, that was the class that brought back all of the memories of how wonderful yoga can be.  I was proud of myself for sticking with it and pushing my body.  Regardless of age or current athletic status, I am extremely blessed with the benefits of having been an athlete for years.  I need to not forgot to be thankful for what I'm still able to accomplish because of all of the hard work I put into myself physically. 

I went to class again on Monday and today, and my body just feels good.  I have more energy.  The backs of my legs don't hurt when I prop my feet up on the ottoman.  I can lay in bed and feel my spine lengthening and actually touching more of the mattress.  And this is from 4 days of Bikram!  

I decided to write my feelings on my blog as a public testimony so I can work on holding myself accountable to continuing my yoga practice and being physically fit.  We're more likely to keep our promises and intentions if we tell someone about them, right?!  Help me stick with it!  :)

I'm doing my next Bikram class at 6:15am tomorrow...And I can't wait!